i guess if someone doesn't love you back, it isn't such a crime.

but there's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time.

wow. i haven't felt alone in three years. but now i do. it feels like going through a breakup, except that it's not one.

i hate that everything i think, say, do or feel is wrong, and must be disregarded.

i hate feeling like an unwanted burden.

i hate feeling that everyone else gets things i want. i hate feeling ungrateful for what i have now, but i DO feel terrible. i can't believe i feel terrible for feeling terrible. feh.

i hate knowing that i don't have to live this way, but that i still do.

i hate feeling that happy endings are for other people.

i hate feeling hopeful when things stay the same or turn for the worse.

i wish i could get out of here.

in heaven...

...download speed is faster than light
...there are no business trips
...there are no pet fungal infections
...fat is nonexistent
...exercise is illegal
...big is beautiful
...people did their own work
...there would be more than 24 hours in a day
...life is predictable


buti na lang hindi ako si God. hahahaha!!!!

ang mga pangarap ng batang doktor

ever since first year med school, kasama na sa walang kwentang pangarap ko ay tumanggap ng buhay na manok mula sa pasyente.

but no, instead of a live chicken, i receive live crabs!!!! hahaha!



cooking them was an adventure- i had to call our cook at home to ask how to do it. then the actual cooking began.

sino ang mas tanga: yung boyfriend who initiated the nakipag-sword fight with a spatula against an irate crab and its lone claw, or the girlfriend na pumalit sa kanya? hahahaha! anyway, we managed to stuff the crabs in the pot- i did it at first, but then naawa ako when i saw them struggling, so i asked boyfriend to put the rest in. haha!

it was a good (free!) dinner. :D i love being able to bring home food i worked for, literally! :D :D :D

blogging about not blogging

i actually changed blogs right after graduating from med school, since i figured i needed some new blogspace to put my crazy post-med school thoughts and mini-adventures in. it still didn't fly.

i haven't been blogging as much as i thought i would. i'm not sure if it's because of the interface (na minumura ko hanggang ngayon. haha!), or the fact that i find it a -bit- difficult to customize (though my other friends seem to have theirs all customized), or the fact that no one is reading my blogger (since the whole world is on fb anyway. haha!), or maybe my primary impression: NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE, OR IN MY BRAIN. haha!

then i stumbled upon tumblr. haha!

i find it interesting that they advertise ease of use, as well as a platform to upload almost anything!!!!! :D :D :D it's like multiply in that respect, except that i have less friends here. hmmm, i have none. i also like being able to post links and pics that i wouldn't be able to post on facebook since it's too public. haha!

ironically, while i rave about the multimedia i can post here, i'm starting with text. hahaha!

so, will i fall in love with this tumblr as much as i fell for multiply in its heyday? there's only one way to find out. :)

(for frods and the blogger formerly known as HTGOF. haha!)

food: the new substance of abuse?

i've been overweight for a little over five years already. okay, so i've hit a glorious time when i WAS actually back to my old size 6, but that didn't last long. boo.

i always considered myself a stress eater- that is, the worse life is for me, the more i eat. this post-boards period sort of showed me the truth: no, i am not a stress eater. in fact, the happier i am, the more i eat. then again, the sadder i am, the more i eat too. haha!! this is actually one of the happiest few months of my life, and i'm STILL EATING.

omg. wala akong excuse! haha!

so why do i eat? i think i eat out of habit. the morning must bring breakfast, midmorning a snack, lunchtime is called LUNCHtime for a reason, my tummy gets rumbly by mid-afternoon, and of course, dinnertime brings dinner. but no, i'm not done yet! midnight snacks do not have to happen at midnight exactly. ;) horrible, horrible. haha! but wow, i've lived this way for all my life.

i used to dance A LOT, so i could get away with having a big mac for a snack. thing is, i kept eating like a dancer long after i stopped burning energy like one. i feel a bit stupid for not making the connection then- but what did a silly girl who was thin for most of her life know about maintaining the shape she took for granted?

in light of this new insight, i decided to take a new approach to dieting. the CAGE questionnaire from Psychiatry (i love pretending that i actually studied for the preresidency exam. mwahahaha!) is actually used to screen for alcohol abuse. well, can we use it for food abuse too?

let's try it:

1. Have you ever wanted to Cut down on your drinking (eating)? YES.

2. Have you ever felt Annoyed by criticism of your drinking (eating)? YES.

3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking (eating)? YES.

4. Have you ever taken a drink (snack) as an "Eye opener" (to prevent the shakes)? NO.

two or more "yes" answers should arouse suspicion of abuse.

okay. that was embarrassing.

all right. so there's food abuse going on here. i don't need all the food i'm putting in my mouth, no matter how much i enjoy it.

so how do we break the habit? by creating new ones! i can't not eat right? so i should be able to change what i eat. ang hirap naman. haha!

all right. i'm starting today. i will drop sugar drinks and too much rice (namely, more than 1 cup) unless it's a special occasion. para naman hindi ako deprived. haha! ang hirap naman. haha! but no, baby steps lang ito. water is the drink of choice, and rice must be limited. ;)

it takes 28 days to make a habit; so i have 28 days to favor water over all else, and cut rice consumption. let's go! :D

where there is no shifting out

the timing is always perfect. from a few days to a week before a rotation ends, i'm always SO EXCITED to shift out, no matter how much fun i'm having in a given rotation. why? because it's a chance to do something new, think of other things. while there is one general approach to sick people, each specialty is exactly that- special. a new mindset and a new set of differentials make me happy, especially those month(s) long rotations that just leave you tired of doing the same thing over and over again, every three days.

then i graduate and have to choose a specialty, a residency program. then that's supposed to be my WHOLE FRIKKING LIFE. it's like getting married without the big party and gown, pero sana in love ka sa chosen specialty mo- because THERE IS NO SHIFTING OUT.

for the rest of your life, your specialty will be your specialty. this scares me, even though i think i've chosen the right path in the face of a lot of judgment and a lot of blatant dissipation of interest once i state my choice. i honestly feel like i'm committing myself to the same rotation FOREVER. some might think that if you're sufficiently in love with your specialty, you won't notice the monotony, etc. well those people probably have excellent powers of concentration, or are workaholics obsessed with their life's work. ew.

this scares me, but i have to remember that i'm not even in a residency program yet. bruha, natatakot ka pa e baka hindi ka pa tanggapin. :P also, our residents kept telling us that residency is nothing like being a med student, and that being a med student is waaaaaaay better. okay, that's hardly comforting, but it just shows that i don't know what i'm talking about YET.

however, one difference i'm hoping for in residency that is not present in being a med student is the idea that i can move on with my life. residents can get married and have kids. they can request leaves and may even go on forced leaves. that sounds good. i've always felt that med school put my life on hold. maybe residency won't do the same to me.

there may be no shifting out, but my life can go on. that's a big thing.

don't you get it?

you're living the dream!

that's what i kept telling myself during five of the most upsetting, most difficult years of my life. it was during these five years that i first felt AND knew the exact times when i was speaking without thinking, or i end up phrasing a lot of things badly, making myself look mean, or even worse, stupid. this was also the time when i had the distinct sensation of learning, BUT i'm not able to translate that learning into practice all the time. trina, think before you speak! it's harder than it seems. haha!

then we come to board review, applications for residency, and actually taking the boards.

not knowing how all this is going to turn out, if your hard work is going to pay off or not is driving everyone crazy (i think). haha! at least, it's driving me crazy. i love going over med school topics and learning so many new things, as well as revisiting what i've forgotten. the problem really is remembering everything for just four days of your life for just one set of make or break exams. panic!

but once again-

don't you get it? you're living the dream!

as a member of class 2007 told me when i was still in college, "no one wants to be a med student." everyone wants to be a doctor. but being a doctor means you go through being a med student. then i was told to think about it. apparently i didn't think hard enough. haha!

so, years later, i would end up telling an aspiring doctor the same thing. i also told her that while i knew that the time would come when i wouldn't want it anymore, i knew i'd regret it if i didn't go for it. i wonder what she'll decide. haha!

in the meantime, i'll go on living the dream- with my patho brs, where i'm 4 chapters and a day behind. haha!

My Board Review Theme Song

Little Wonders

Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

why i love my boyfriend part 1

on eating A LOT:

"try stopping yourself. then when you succeed you realize you can control yourself.

that makes you more confident.

then you build on that,

and do more."

na-inspire niya ko. haha!

-hugs-

there has to be more to me than an appalling lack of eq and self-control. :)

let the psychosis begin!

Okay, i've voted.

So it's time to get ready for the boards.

i have almost all the reviewers i need except for a few books i left in adriatico, one with donn mc, and one i have yet to order.

honestly, i'm in a state of panic right now. ang dami kong hindi alam, at ang dami ko nang nalimutan.

yung mga aaralin ko ba for these first weeks of review maaalala ko pa sa august?

so dahil wala akong alam, sayang ba yung effort ko ng limang taon?

makukumpleto ko ba reviewers ko?

papasa ba 'kong boards?

magiging NoyBi ba tayo for the next 6 years?

kakain ba ko ng dunkin donuts or krispy kreme after typing this entry?

fear and panic.

tinotopak na ko.

*cricket cricket*

blocked again. this is not good. i have to finish the frigging yearbook by tomorrow so that i can study for the boards in peace, but it's harder than i thought.

writing has got to be the one of the very few jobs where you can sit still and stare at your computer screen for hours on end and (legally, honestly) say you're working.

and i can't believe i gave my eic the link to this blog. haha!

let's hope she doesn't read this. ;)